Anger, Shame, and Guilt

The hardest part about my Recovery today, is letting go of anger and resentments. The guilt for what I realized, was my doings…

I had no clue how much damage my anger caused. I only new that people where unhappy around me and I didn’t like the way that felt.. I didn’t like making eye contact in fear of being confronted. I just didn’t want to hear anymore “lies”.

What I’m learning today is that the only one who “Lied” was me! I was the Liar Liar Pants on Fire girl.. I was the snake in the Green Pastures..

I reached a point in my first year of being “Sober” where just not using, wasn’t much of anything because I wasn’t feeling better. In fact I was getting more angrier and resentful..

How could I have done all those bad things to the one’s I loved???

That’s when Recovery came full force..

April of 2015, my Step Father, who was a part of my life for 33 yrs, passed away. My whole world in that moment, changed me forevermore!!

I have to find peace within myself, and let go of that Anger I’ve carried since a young child.

I had to forgive myself!!

The one person I hated the most, I now had to learn not only to forgive, but to learn how to love…ME!!!

Well, that was a shocker!! How could anyone Love ME.. I was a Mistake, an Outcast, and the biggest misfit alive.

So I thought.. I’m a misfit no doubt, only today I use my defects and turn them into Positive lessons. Lessons of who I don’t want to ever be again..

I couldn’t be perfect like I thought other’s expected of me.. but in my in perfections, I perfected being Different.

It works for me.. I Love being different, I love the feeling of relief knowing I am who I am… Recovery in today’s world is so different than I remember back in 1983 when I attended my first AA meeting at the age of 13…

Recovery today revolves around Diversity.. Without being able to see the whole picture, one must be able to be open to all and any aspects of Diversity.

People’s belief’s, styles of living, variety of Cultures mixed in the Game…

Yet without Honesty in the mix, Life becomes a repeat of Insanity..

A place I no longer care to visit!!

Today I’m an open, honest , real person who just happens to A Recovering Addict… One you wouldn’t know came from a life of destruction and self sabotage. Where I am today is amazing! I wake up now Thankful to do it again. And each day I’m blessed with, is another day I get to move forwaed!!

Just For Today.. I keep my eye on the Prize.. I’m a Warrior and I’m a Winner!!

 

What Life Gave Me

I use to think Life gave me NOTHING but a Big Run Around..

In and out of Treatment Centers , Jails, Councilor’s one after another, and a series of “Rock Bottom” moment’s, I had to figure something out because I was running out of options and still felt I wasn’t being heard.

It wasn’t untill the year 2009 that my Life took a turn for the better!! I overdosed and was fortunate to be alive, (4 days later when I woke up in ICU).

How did I get to this point??

I got here by the choices I made in active addiction..

How do I get back to who I was and is that even possible? Won’t know until I change the way I think!

Change the way I think!! I new my head was messed up and I was angry. That wasn’t my doing so why do I need to change anything??

I sit her today with a Good Life, about to make a major move in my career,and I realized, I want to share my Journey and show other’s ,that When we think right/ differently than we do, we can do anything!!

I learned I couldn’t change my life alone, I needed other’s to help me shape, grow and form into the Beautiful Woman I am today. I learned we all need each other to evolve.

What a relief it is that I was able to take my Life back from the darkness I had in Active Addiction. If I can, you can and together WE WILL..

My Life

Welcome to my Blog..

I am a 47 year old female in Recovery. My goal is to Help as many as I can to reach their goals to. I know what it’s like to struggle daily with basic living and in Recovery.

I know Mental illnesses, as I have a few MYSELF. I am not one to Judge others, just to help one see the Beauty within themselves. I provide moral support unconditional as long as it doesn’t interfere with my personal recovery . There is Hope and a way out of the lifestyle Addiction brings. I am also very active in my Community. Would love to open up the Subject of Recovery in today’s world full of Technology.

This is a public blog and while I would appreciate 100% Honesty, you are not obligated in any way to be ANYONE other than who you are.  I hope to learn and experience more in Recovery from Drugs and Alcohol, through my peers who also come from a familiar background.

Looking forward to meeting New people..